Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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