He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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