Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
