TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
