Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
