There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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