My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
