We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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