She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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