Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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