Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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