dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
