Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
