Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
