I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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