I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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