The maid of honor just puked.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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