If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Randomize
