OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
