I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
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