so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
