True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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