I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
