If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
