Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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