3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
