id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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