all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
