U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
