This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
