she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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