i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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