maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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