an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Im part way to drunk.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
