i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
