Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
