oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
