Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
