My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
