somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
