Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
