Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
