Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
