I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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