i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
