it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
