I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
