you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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