I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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