Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
